My head is full and my brain is on overload. I have been dealing with more life stuff the past 30 days than I have since I was a young man going out into the world on my own. I believe a person approaching 50 can deal better than an 18 year old, only because the thinking process is so much slower now! You know, engage brain before engaging mouth. Of all the things I've learned, that is one of the most valuable. I have found myself in positions that I never thought I'd be in. As a person on the outside looking in, it's easy to be critical of someone. When you're the one in the fish bowl, you have a totally different perspective. I am gaining a new understanding of people and the situations they are faced with. This might come in handy someday.

When my father died at the age of 56, I couldn't understand. I asked, "Why me, why my family?" In the 23 years since that day, I've realized that there is some good that came from his death. I understand what people feel when they lose a loved one. This has been a valuable tool as I've gotten older and been faced with friends and relatives who have lost someone close to them. I knew what to say, instead of that awkward death silence. Sadly, the things he said to me made more sense after his death. It taught me to acknowledge the fact that everyone might have something worth listening to. I also learned that if you love someone, don't wait to tell them, there might not be a tomorrow.

So, some day, a year from now, or 20 years from now, I'll look back on my life and realize that something good came out of all that I'm dealing with today. I have a lot to digest before I can make any sense of things. I'm sure at some point I will have found a place in my head and my heart to put everything. Until then, I guess I'll deal with a few sleepless nights and a few more tears. I guess these are the tests that I've been told about. Life is full of change and I guess it would be boring otherwise. Someone once told me life shouldn't be this hard... if life were easy, what would we have to look forward to in the after-life. Peace.