Friday, July 27, 2007

I almost let a week go by without writing a blog. I am trying to write more often, but sometimes the brain is shut down. I have been feeling disconnected from life as I knew it. I feel uncomfortable at the Chesterfield. A place that was like my home for almost two years, and now I don't feel quite right there. It's not the same place it was a few months ago. The regulars aren't the same, the staff isn't the same, the vibe is definitely not the same. It makes me sad.

I read a piece in the Upper Room the other morning. The writer stated that he didn't like what he saw in the mirror. I can relate to that feeling. It did some good to hear that God says we should love ourselves and forgive ourselves, as he has done for us. We all look in the mirror to comb our hair, shave or put on makeup. But, do we really look at ourselves. I think that we just see the reflection of ourselves, not the person in the mirror. Many years ago when I was experimenting with the spirits that were available in the 70s, I spent a very long period of time looking into the mirror. I mean I looked at my face closer than I ever had, seeing every pore in my skin, every blood vessal in my eyes, every hair on my face. In the state of mind I was in, it was cool. A week ago I walked up to a mirror and did the same thing. Over 30 years of life have passed and it wasn't the same person that I saw in 1976.

I'm not talking about the physical appearance. I'm talking about looking into a mirror long enough to see into your heart and soul. Look past the surface of the glass. Look into your own eyes... deeply. What you see might surprise you. I plan to do this more often. I think it does a soul good to really see who you are. It confuses me, but I think with enough time, more long walks and solitude, I'll know myself again.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Well it's Friday, yet it doesn't feel like the end of a work week. For some reason, I am struggling to make sense of things. It may be Friday, but it's just another day to me. I guess it's the lack of structure in my life that makes it foggy. I don't get out of bed at any regular time, I don't go to bed at any regular time, I don't go to work at any regular time, I don't eat meals at any regular time and I get drunk any day of the week without regard to anything. That pretty much explains things. I should try some regularity in my life for a while, it might help. Does anyone have Metamucil for life?

I am saddened and alarmed by the recent news about a bluesman who passed away. Bill Perry died Tuesday, July 17 on the way to the hospital of an apparent heart attack. Bill was 49, the same age as me. I had booked Bill several times over the past 4 or 5 years. I was lucky enough to have known him as a good man and a killer guitar player and singer. I'll be interested to find out the details of his crossing over to the other side.

Every time I hear of young people leaving us, it makes me stop and think. I could be gone in the blink of an eye. None of us know when this part of our life will end. I wish I could stand at that final crossroad and have no regrets. Unfortunately it's too late for that. I'm not sure that is possible for anyone. All of us will probably have some regret in the final hours. There are certain choices in life that we may regret, whether we take the high road or the low road. Sometimes, you just can't win.

Monday, July 16, 2007

I took Friday off from work and it seems like an eternity since I was in my office last. I more or less took Friday off from life. I laid in bed until 2:00 pm! I got very drunk the night before... very drunk. I did go out amongst the living later in the day, but I was a zombie. Now, I'm back at it, and I'm still trying to gain my focus.

A while back I wrote... "I might love one of my sisters more than the other but...". After the fact I began to think, can you really love one person more than the other. Isn't love, love? Either you love someone or you don't...right? As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I'm sure there are different types of love. It may have been more correct for me to say, "I might love one of my sisters differently than the other but...". I'm comfortable with that.

Love is not a clear cut thing. There are many meanings for the word "love". Just another example of our abuse of the English language. Regardless of the different meanings, I believe that if you tell someone you love them, you have put them in a special place in your heart and your head. A place where they are foremost in your thoughts. Is there an order for these people? Who gets first consideration? You can't always keep all of these people at the front of the line, which might mean you don't always show them love. How far can you bend love before it breaks? When it breaks, can you pick up the pieces and put love back together, or do you have to start all over again? Just wondering.

I have taken a long hard look at myself over the last month or two, and it's surprising. I have thought for years that I knew myself, but I only knew the person that everyone sees and hears. I'm getting to know "me" better lately. It's not entirely what I expected. Pleased to meet me, again.


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Last Friday night I witnessed an amazing night of live music at the Chesterfield. A great rockin' blues band from Lincoln, Nebraska, the Kris Lager Band, was putting an a killer show. Kris is a smoking guitar player and his keyboard player, Jeremiah, is one of the best you'll see. And his rhythm section lays down a solid beat that pulls the whole thing together. They started the second set with a couple of their originals and then the magic hit. Kris welcomed a very special guest to the stage, Mato Nanji. Mato is the founder and front man of the band Indigenous. Indigenous is a platinum recording band that tours to legions of fans worldwide! These five friends proceeded to put on a hell of a show. Mato and Kris did a little dueling while Jeremiah threw in some mean licks on the B2. I've seen Indigenous several times, but Mato has never appeared more comfortable. The guys laughed and danced around stage, obviously having a great time. It was a wonderful moment!

I've written before about the magic of music. It can change a moment in time forever. We all have a tune that brings back memories when we hear it. There are songs that I hear and literally relive a moment. The sights, the smells everything about that little piece of my life. Music is a powerful thing.

That being said, it amazes me that some people will deny themselves the possible chance of a lifetime for only a few bucks. I saw people Friday night walk away from the Chesterfield because it was $3 to get in. THREE DOLLARS! If they only knew what they missed. The Kris Lager Band is worth more than that, let alone hearing Mato Nanji play with them. What sad lives these people must lead. If you don't have $3 to pay for a cover charge, why would you have left the house to begin with? And if it's the "principal of the thing", you better reevaluate your worth.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

It seems that Thursday is blog-day. Independence Day came and went with a loud bang. Think of all the money being burned or exploded on the Fourth of July. It's insane! We were out and about around 10:30 last night and the noise was endless as was the haze in the air.

I will always think of the Fourth of July parties we had in my early twenties. We would gather before noon to start drinking and smoking. The grill would heat up in the late afternoon with some of the crispiest brats you ever tasted. They were delicious, soaked in beer...mmm! Then as night fell, we would take turns lighting the various fountains and rockets that we all contributed to the cause. As the light show continued the buzz turned into part of the adventure. "Can Dave light this one without falling into the shower of sparks?"

We were all very early into our respective relationships at that time. Many of us maintain those relationships today. It's crazy, I have friends and a lover that I've had for over 30 years! I wish I saw my friends more often. I wish it was 1976 again. What a glorious time! It makes me sad thinking back on those days. Why did our lives have to become so different? Oh, how I long for NeverNeverLand.